Ponies, Punch, and Permission

I set out on January 6 to go on an adventure to Jamaica to spend two weeks at a polo camp. I was seeking some sun and some time with ponies with zero expectations. It’s now February 21, and I’m still traveling, though now I am in Sarasota, Florida. I will likely be here for the next couple of weeks. And yes, my husband and I are still together; no, he is not mad at me.

One of my goals for this 50th year was to take an epic trip. I had thought I would travel to Europe or Argentina and cross some things off my enormous bucket list. What I realized, though, was after a hectic decade, I just needed time to think, laugh, and plan without the pressure or expectations that I had placed on myself. When I told my good friends I was staying away, one asked, “What are you running away from?” My honest answer was, “The cold.” The real question I am asking myself as I spend this time is, what do I want to run to?

After my mother passed away, I didn’t take the time I needed to grieve, and boy, did that suck some energy. Combined with the doldrums of menopause and some health issues, I was a sad sack of blah. I also harbored anger from a “touchy” work situation that made me need to make significant changes.

Yesterday, as I spoke to one of my mentors, I realized that I no longer have that anger, and a weight has lifted. I feel much healthier and happier, and a hint of confidence is returning. It may have something to do with HRT or being away from the grey of winter, but I’m also exercising five days a week and eating healthier. My arthritis and heart issues are fading, and I’m feeling optimistic. That spark and joie de vivre I used to feel is returning.

Photo by Eric Nalpas

Of course, I’ve been riding a lot and taking polo lessons, and I cannot speak more highly of the benefits of being around horses. They seem to reflect my emotions and accept me as I come, and I find the connection to both dogs and horses intoxicating. I do miss my pups and ponies that are home.

But I’ve found joy in simple things like playing dominoes, learning backgammon, reading, watching manatees and sting rays, snorkeling, feeling sand on my feet, floating down a river, grocery shopping, listening to music, and even sitting in traffic. I enjoyed jumping off a bridge when egged on by my much younger travel buddies. Note: This may or may not have had anything to do with getting rum-punched, a fun Jamaican specialty.

I have also met so many wonderful, bright, and lovely people. These are the kind of people who are instantly accepting of my quirky self. They don’t care when I can’t stop singing or when my energy can be overwhelming, or maybe it’s me being unapologetic.

Now back to the concept of running toward something you want. I am working to find a way to maintain a lifestyle that allows me to have what I need.

Since my last post, I have interviewed for a couple of positions. At the time, I was bummed that I flubbed the interviews, but then I realized what it was. While I felt like the interviews should have been a two-way street, they were not. Holy boring questions, and I suspect an unfulfilling life would follow if I were to work there. The disguised blessings are real.

I am ambitious, eccentric, and entrepreneurial. I want to solve some huge problems. I’m looking at you, ocean and roadside plastic, and all those middle-aged women who feel stuck. I want to be creative, warm in the winter, and not stifled by supposed ceilings or manufactured expectations. I want to have a great relationship with my husband whilst maintaining my independence, and I want to be fulfilled by my work and life. I want to make enough money to support my aspirations without harming others and manifest a simple yet extraordinary life. Is that too much to ask? I think not, and I won’t be asking permission to make it a reality.

And yes, this trip has been made possible by my privilege, savings account, and desire to improve. I know that many people can’t just up and leave for two months without a plan. However, maybe there is something that can be brought into your everyday life that gives you the space and time you need to have joy